Another week featuring nothing that I really care about, so once again I’m listing alphabetically.
Baby Mama (trailer)
Director: Michael McCullers
I’ve always kind of liked Tina Fey, and I’m sure this has its amusing moments, but it seems far too sitcom-ish to work as a movie. Amy Poehler’s character especially looks like something out of one of her SNL skits, and that almost never works on the big screen.
Chapter 27 (trailer)
Director: J.P. Schaefer
Things I do not understand: 1) why time goes slower as you approach the speed of light, 2) why Major League Baseball cannot figure out a way to eliminate 2-game series, and 3) why anyone would want to watch a movie about Mark David Chapman.
Director: Gil Cates, Jr. (The Mesmerist, $pent)
Burt Reynolds as an old-time poker legend serving as mentor to a brash young hotshot. If this trailer doesn’t scream “DIRECT-TO-DVD!!!!” to you, I don’t know what would. And yet here it is.
MC/RT: 37/0 (yes, 0)
Director: Marcel Langenegger
This looks horrid also, and looks disturbingly similar to last April’s Perfect Stranger with Bruce Willis and Halle Berry. It’s like April is the new January. But credit where due, at least it has a cast that I would theoretically want to watch in another movie. Pity Hugh Jackman, who seems to match every good movie he does (X2, The Prestige, The Fountain) with one that is equally bad (X-Men: The Last Stand, Van Helsing, Swordfish).
MC/RT: 35/6 (yes, 6)
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (trailer)
Director: Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg
I never saw Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, but I did go to a White Castle for the first time just a couple of weeks ago. I assumed it was similar to the more-familiar-to-me Krystal, and I guess it was. But where Krystal’s tiny square burgers were terrible, they were terrible in a very satisfying junk-food sort of way. But White Castle’s tiny square burgers were just gross. So it’s safe to say that I don’t trust the Harold & Kumar franchise; frankly, Guantanamo Bay doesn’t sound like all that great a place to go, either.
The Life Before Her Eyes (trailer)
Director: Vadim Perelman (House of Sand and Fog)
I might actually end up seeing this one, even though Perelman’s House of Sand and Fog was a truly miserable bastard of a movie and this one doesn’t look much better. Incidentally, Wells had an item last week saying that Perelman wants everyone to know the twist at the end. So read up, I guess. Personally, I thought the title gave it away anyways, so I had already figured that much of it out.
Tuya’s Marriage (trailer)
Director: Wang Quanan
Chinese film set in Mongolia, about a young woman trying to find a suitor who will care for both her and her disabled husband. Probably the one movie this week that brings actual quality to the table.