Film snob alert: you know what I’m really looking forward to watching this weekend? My newly arrived Blu-ray of The Seventh Seal. Suck on that, Bay.
Big Man Japan (trailer)
Director: Hitoshi Matsumoto
There’s probably no way I’ll have time to see this, but seriously, watch the trailer. I haven’t seen a trailer this bizarre since … well, Kung Fu Hustle. Maybe.
Metacritic: 62
Cheri (trailer)
Director: Stephen Frears (High Fidelity, Dirty Pretty Things, Mrs Henderson Presents, The Queen)
Stephen Frears hits paydirt in his search to make a movie about a hot over-50 actress, after a horrible misfire with Judi Dench and a gamble with Helen Mirren that was a long shot to start with before finally being sabotaged by the makeup department.
Metacritic: 62
Jerichow
Director: Christian Petzold (Yella)
Apparently a German reworking of The Postman Always Rings Twice.
Metacritic: 72
My Sister’s Keeper (trailer)
Director: Nick Cassavetes (She’s So Lovely, John Q, The Notebook, Alpha Dog)
Talk about timely, here’s a movie that addresses the high-profile epidemic of people raising kids for the purpose of harvesting their sweet, sweet organs. I knew Jon and Kate were up to something!
Metacritic: 50
The Stoning of Soraya M. (trailer)
Director: Cyrus Nowrasteh
Parable about an Iranian woman who turns to Jesus when overcome with despair. Hint, hint, Iranians!
Metacritic: 52
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (trailer)
Director: Michael Bay (Bad Boys, The Rock, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor)
I pretty much hated the first one … well, that’s not quite right. I didn’t so much hate it as much as I just thought it was unbelievably stupid. I came out of it dreading the sequel. After awhile, I started to consider skipping the sequel so that I wouldn’t have to dread it (there’s precedent for this – I skipped Bad Boys II on identical grounds. Over time, this developed into a general feeling that I would likely skip the sequel. Now, I’m wondering exactly what eternal horror God would have to threaten me with that would convince me to go. Fortunately, I suspect God is on my side in this matter, and I think I may instead actually stand to gain some kind of eternal reward for having the purity of soul required to abstain from defiling myself in such a crude and vulgar manner. Basically, what I’m saying is that I thank Michael Bay for getting me in touch with my spiritual side again. I haven’t felt this close to God since summer church camp back in 1991 (or maybe 1992?) when I refused to clean the horse stables, on the grounds that the kids actually going to horse camp should have to do that. God protects the righteous!
Metacritic: 36
Whatever Works (trailer)
Director: Woody Allen (Match Point, Scoop, Cassandra’s Dream, Vicky Cristina Barcelona)
Perhaps the saddest aspect to Michael Jackson’s passing is that we’ll never see his long-anticipated collaboration with Woody Allen, in which Jackson plays a self-absorbed middle-aged malcontent with a conspicuously young romantic interest. It would have been called Michael Bubbles Bahrain and whatever problems it would have had in the US market, it would have killed in Eastern Europe.
Metacritic: 47
Bergman was way more of badass than Bay will ever be. You know what Bergman did when he saw a critic that had been trashing his theater productions? He went over to him and he punched him in the face. Then left. Critic couldn’t review him after that.
Bergman didn’t need to shout, people were afraid and respected him anyway. Bergman didn’t need 50 cuts a second and a 200 million dollar budget to pulverize your soul and senses. Bay just can’t compete.
And this weekend more people saw Transformers than will ever see The Seventh Seal. Call us snobs, but that is some sad shit.
That was way more bizarre than Kung Fu Hustle. What the hell was that one-eyed thing with the swinging umbilical cord? Need to watch it again.
I would have paid good money just to see a conversation between Michael Jackson and Woody Allen.
Watched that Blu-ray last night, by the way. It is absolutely amazing how wonderful it looks – you would think it’s a brand new movie. I could hardly believe my eyes.
You’re right about Bergman vs. Bay, at any rate. Bay just comes across as so damn needy. “Hey, look at me! Big giant robots! Explosions and mayhem! I’m cool, right? RIGHT???”